Aimee Buchler discusses with Leigh her experience of dealing with the loss of her mother at a young age and how she healed herself from her loss.
After having always been deeply interested in the mind, spirituality and perspectives and losing her mother at 17 years old, she went on a quest to understand who she was or who she want to be. She studied Chinese astrology, spent a lot of time with different shamanic tribes, worked with numerous health specialists, became an elite aesthetics trainer, a naturopathic nutritionist, world champion bikini bodybuilder, meditation and breathwork teacher all by the age of 23. She then focused on refining these skills down in such detail that she began merging them all together and started her business, The Rise Room.
The Rise Room is a personalised health service for women which focuses on optimising their physical, nutritional and spiritual wellbeing through personalised 121 sessions and programs.
Aimee is offering Radical Health Rebel listeners and viewers a 50% discount off your first meditation & breathwork session with her.
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Aimee: Yeah, the day she died. The night she died. I left her room hysterically crying and then very quickly sat in the kitchen on my own. And I remember just going through a list of all the things I'm going to achieve because it was very clear to me in that moment, you can go one way or you can go another way. It was super clear. It was like, right, you going up or you're going down, what do you want to do? And then I was just listing, like, right, I'm going to ace my exams and I'm going to achieve this and I'm going to graduate with this, and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that, I'm going to travel and I'm going to be amazing and I'm going to help people. And it was just like a crazy list, I was telling myself. And was that a coping mechanism? Yeah, probably to some degree, but I would say a healthy one.
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Leigh: Aimee Buchler. Welcome to the Radical Health Rebel podcast. How are you doing?
Aimee: I'm good, thanks. Thank you so much for having me on today. I'm looking forward to our conversation.
Leigh: It's a pleasure. So today's episode is entitled From Bereavement to Achievement. Now, bereavement, and therefore grief, is a condition that quite understandably affects many people and can haunt someone's progress in life. In fact, for some, losing a loved one, especially a parent, when young, can have significant long-lasting effects well into adult life and sometimes can be lifelong. In my own family, my dad and my aunt lost their dad, my granddad, when they were young, and I was just three months old at the time. And my sisters were also very young. My nieces lost their dad to cancer when they were in their mid teens, and a close friend of mine lost his mum to cancer when he was in his late. My sister also lost her best friend to cancer when she had just turned 20. So I've asked Aimee to come on the Radical Health Rebel podcast today to discuss how she dealt with losing her mother at a young age and the journey that she's travelled on, not only to heal from the experience, but to thrive in life and to help others achieve health and wellness in life. So I'm really excited to be having this discussion today. So, Aimee, can you share with us your upbringing and how life was for you growing up and also tell us about your experiences with your mum in the first 17 years of your life.
Aimee: Yeah, well, I grew up in a very loving home. There were some darker patches coming from my father's side. He has some really deep anger issues as I was growing up, so this automatically kind of caused a bit of a dissonance in energy around the house most days, especially on a Friday night. However, other than that, it was a very loving home. I was very lucky to be brought up by them, especially by my mother. She was extremely caring and she made sure that she had everything organized, proper Virgo. Her diary was just full of me and my sister's names every single hour what was happening with us, and she really introduced me to the world of spirituality and service. It wasn't really something my sisters were into, but it's something that me and her connected on how important service is and helping others from a very, very young age. She took me to volunteer a lot and really introduced me to that world. So yeah, that was pretty consistent until 17. She got sick when I was eleven and the journey from eleven to 17 was a very interesting, deep journey that I went on. Yeah.
Leigh: So apart from your mum introducing you to spirituality and looking after others, how else was your relationship with your mum, would you say?
Aimee: I would say it was extremely deep. We connected on a very deep level, like proper soul mates, soul, family, whatever we were in a past life, we were very close and she was very close to my sisters as well.
Leigh: How many sisters?
Aimee: Two sisters.
Aimee: But we definitely clicked in terms of the spiritual side of life and the deeper conversations. We really relished in that together. I would say she was very supportive of me. She always said, I will always guide you, but I will never force you to do anything. So from a very young age she always guided me. She gave me the space to be who I wanted to be and be who I am, which I find extremely important and something I will absolutely take into my own life with my own kids one day.
Leigh: Excellent. So I can't imagine really what it must have been like to lose your mum at 17. So what was it like for you?
Aimee: It was very interesting, to be honest. I basically nursed her from 15 to 17. I just turned 17 when she passed. So probably from late when I was 14 to 17 I pretty much took her almost two years. Helping her medically. Changing her tubes and things that needed to be done and helping her with food and rest and I guided her through a meditation every single night to put her to sleep probably for the last twelve months and then you kind of prepare yourself when you know it's going to happen. She told us probably, I would say four months before she passed, she told us she was going to stop treatment because she had tried literally everything. She tried everything. She had no quality of life anymore. It was just crazy. So you kind of prepare yourself once you're told you go into protection mode and you just start to prepare yourself, or at least I did. I felt very strong about it, like, I need to be strong for her. And I was used to that role after kind of nursing her for this time. And, yeah, I really felt like I needed to be strong for her. So it was more about me being there for her during this process. And I didn't really process what was going on myself. I didn't really understand how to when you're 17, you're aware. You're aware, but you're not really aware. When you get older and you look back, you're like, wow, I was aware, but not really aware. I did what I could. No one really knew how to deal with it. It was new for everyone, so it's not like someone could be like, right, Aimee, do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that. I kind of just let myself be. And I always was focused on being a better person because that's what she had always taught me. So the day she died, the night she died, I left her room hysterically, crying, then very quickly sat in the kitchen on my own. And I remember just going through a list of all the things I'm going to achieve, because it was very clear to me in that moment, you can go one way or you can go another way. It was super clear. It was like, right, you going up or you're going down, what do you want to do? And then I was just listening, like, right, I'm going to ace my exams and I'm going to achieve this, and I'm going to graduate with this, and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that, I'm going to travel and I'm going to be amazing and I'm going to help people. And it was like a crazy list, I was telling myself. And was that a coping mechanism? Yeah, probably to some degree, but I would say a healthy one. I didn't even realize what I was doing in that moment, but it felt right. And I used the grief to drive me to achieve things and to be better and to learn and to explore. I feel very lucky because I kind of always had that within me, that I was like, I want to explore and I want to grow. And I'm curious. I had so much curiosity, and I think curiosity really guides you into life. If you're curious, you will go and try things and do things you don't want to go down. You want to go up. When you're curious and when you lack curiosity, I find it to be. Life can become quite plain if you're lacking curiosity and awe. You know?
Leigh: Sure. It sounds like another word for curiosity. It's not a direct correlation, but in your situation, the word that comes to me is brave. It sounds to me like you were quite brave. You used the word curiosity, but I think if you use the word brave, I think you could almost substitute that as well. So you took the grief and you put a positive slant on it. What do you think would have happened if you'd have gone the other way?
Aimee: I mean, there's only really a few things you can do, right? Drink, drugs, but I'd already done that. I spent six months when I was probably 16 with my friends going raving, trying different drugs. But this is what always happened with me. I would always be curious to try things, but I never got addicted or attached to things. I understood the importance of not doing those things long term. It was a feeling. It's like my intuition was guiding me and it was always very, very strong. But I was unconscious that it was my intuition. I just followed my feelings, which now I look back on and I'm like, wow. I was quite in tune with my intuition. The feelings were so strong when they felt wrong, just didn't feel right. Like, you're not doing this anymore, going raving, taking drugs, like, ****, that right. So I stopped that. And then, like a year later she passed away and I was like, I don't want to do that anymore. I've done that. Maybe if I hadn't done it and I had a very strict childhood and my parents were strict, I probably would have gone and tried that stuff. Yeah. That's why I'm so grateful for the freedom I got. Is that right? Always to have that, to give your kids freedom, I mean, maybe with the right personalities and they could see maybe I was the right personality, but I don't really know the answer. What do you think about that?
Leigh: Yeah, I think you're right. I think if you put restrictions on people, especially teenagers, what happens at that age is that you're moving into the realm of a third chakra. You're trying to create your own self-identity, your own ego. So if your parents tell you to do something, what's the last thing in the world you generally want to do is what you've been told to do, right? That's the rebellious teenager. Yeah. It sounds to me like you possibly the fact that you had that freedom, shall we call it, you tried that and you kind of said, well, that's not for me, that's not my path. But had you, as you said, been more restricted and then you're trying to deal with the pain of your mum passing, it sounds to me like it's possible that the reason that you did that when you were 16 is that you were in pain because you kind of knew where it was going. And people use substances to block out pain, right. They want to numb themselves so they can't feel. So perhaps you could have gone that way.
Aimee: Yeah, I think there would always have been a chance. But I used to wake up the next morning being like, I feel like **** and I never want to touch that stuff again. It wasn't like, I need to keep numbing, keep numbing. So for me, it was never going to be an option to go that way.
Leigh: Cool. I guess my next question you may have already answered, but I'm going to ask it anyway. Was there an actual point anywhere in this process where you thought, okay, well, I need to heal from this grief? And if so, what did you do next?
Aimee: Very quickly, I did two things, one conscious, one unconscious. The conscious thing I did was I searched for a teacher straight away spiritual guide that could help me deal with this in a way that wasn't your usual therapy. Right. I wasn't really keen on going down the traditional healing route for society. I wanted to find something deeper, something I could connect with. So I met a wonderful man called Simon Lao, a Chinese astrologer and herbalist who transformed my path and really helped me heal in ways that I can't even describe. I met him and then he was kind of like a therapist for a year and then became my teacher for about two, three years after that because I was so fascinated by Chinese astrology. He did my chart and knew me better than anyone knows me. And I was like, what is this? This is insane. And through that was able to guide me in my life and my relationships and my career through my healing, because he understood who I was and what I needed, which was magical and life changing, and I'll always be so grateful for him that was conscious. I was searching for people who could help me heal. I took up meditation, I did loads of soul searching. I went traveling.
Leigh: What age did you start this process?
Aimee: 17. Straight away. I found him straight away. It was actually my sister who doesn't believe in any of this stuff, who now does a bit more, but at the time she said to me, Aimee, I met this guy through a friend and he did my chart and it was crazy. You need to see him. And I was like, wow, she believes this. Then I'm going to go. So that was amazing. But subconsciously, something else I did to handle the pain was I really put the pain into training and I found a love for the gym. I left dance, and dance was what I was doing my whole life, and I was going to be a dancer, and that was the path I saw myself on. And then I got into the gym right after she passed away and really fell in love. I was like, wow, you can sculpt the body. This is crazy. That's so cool. What an amazing form of art. And so I took that up and I left dance. And I became a PT when I went travelling at 18. And then when I came back, I competed. And it was when I was competing that I really channelled a lot of my energy into competing. And it was really my sister who noticed that. She's the one who said that. And I was like, wow, you're right, that's exactly what's happening. So, yeah, I would say subconsciously competing helped me deal with the grief again, in a positive way, more positive than doing drugs and alcohol and so on, but it was still an outlet that was subconscious. And when it's subconscious, when you're not dealing with the grief consciously, you're still suppressing it. Yes, you may be giving it an outlet, but you're still suppressing it. But it helped me so much, though. It really helped me on my healing journey so much.
Leigh: One of the things that I see in my own practice and I've seen over the years, is that sometimes people can turn to exercise to deal with anger. Now, it might be subconscious anger, and I'm just wondering not directly, but I'm just wondering, sometimes when people pass on, there can be a degree of anger. How dare you leave me? Right? I'm just wondering if perhaps that might be because obviously when you train and you train hard, it's really good for dealing with anger. I'm just wondering if that might be part of what was happening subconsciously.
Aimee: Yeah, I think you're right. I think definitely the underlying emotion was anger. And it was anger because there was so much happening at the time when she passed, like, not only her passing, but so many other things going on within my family that were very dark and horrible and it was a very tough time and I had to stay strong for her and kind of go through it. And I think I did feel so much anger towards my father at the time. So thinking about the emotion right now, it was anger driven, but obviously anger is a cover up for sadness, isn't it? So I would say, yeah, it was definitely anger driven. Like, on the surface, definitely.
Leigh: And anger also. People think of anger as being a negative emotion, but like most emotions, there's a positive and a negative side. Anger can be a trigger for motivating you to do something. If you get angry about something, hopefully you'll do something about it. Right? So it's almost like the way that you were doing something about it was to sculpt your own body. And I guess the other way of looking at it, possibly, is that you didn't have any control over whether your mum survived or not, but what you can control is what your body looks like. Yes, right?
Aimee: Definitely. It was a period of going through wanting to control something, feeling out of control, wanting to control something. And I think it was also about wanting to change, wanting to move away from that period. And by transforming my own body, I could kind of morph into something else, another person, another time, and move away from the pain and kind of move into achievement and a positive. My partner and my friends and family, they always say to me, you're always chasing the positive, and it's okay to sit in the not so positive sometimes. That's life. That's normal. And it's really only been recently that I've fully understood that and accepted that it's okay to sit in anger or sadness and really feel it. It's taken a good four or five years to feel my emotions. My partner, when I met him, was like, you need to feel. You're not feeling. He's like, you don't feel anything. And I was like, what are you talking about? But when I compare how I am now to then, I was fully in my masculine. I was fully, fully, fully in my masculine. I wasn't feeling. It was all about go do, achieve, let's go. And that was really how I was handling the pain, was using what I knew, which was like, come on, let's go. No crying. You don't have time for this. You got to help heal your mom. You got to help do this. You've got to help do that. There's no time for the emotions. And then the minute I allowed myself to feel emotions, sadness, to cry, to tap into my feminine, my health got better, my life got better, my relationships got better. And I really understood what every teacher that I worked with was telling me about the balance, the yin and the yang, the balance between the masculine and feminine and sitting in that middle zone and how important that is.
Leigh: Very good.
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Leigh: How old were you when you kind of recognized the fact that you needed to sit with your, let's call them, negative emotions?
Aimee: Well, it first came to me when I was 19. My partner told me then. He was like, you need to feel. When did I actually start feeling? I would say probably a year later. I started on the process. The seed was planted right and it started slowly. But really, I'd say a year later is when I really started on the process. And then during Covert, I found myself fully in my masculine again, like, all right, I've got all this time on my hands. You're not allowed to do anything but help others and find projects. And I was living alone. I didn't even watch TV once. I didn't do anything except try and figure out what project I wanted to do. And I was trying to do so much, and I got myself into chronic fatigue and adrenal fatigue, and I couldn't move. And it was exhausting. And after that, I was like, what am I doing? This is exhausting. Like, this pressure, this trying to achieve and achieve and achieve and achieve. It's like, enough balance, find this balance.
Leigh: Do you think that this striving to achieve, do you think in some way that can be also your way of coping with obviously what's happened? It's like to distract yourself from sitting with those emotions. What you're trying to do is to fill your diary and your head with stuff to do. Do you think that might be partly what's going on?
Aimee: Yeah, I think definitely at the beginning, for sure. But also it was about proving to myself and to others that I was stronger than that, that nothing could pull me down, that I am a warrior, that it was about that proving and then getting that validation that, wow, she's amazing. Wow, how is she doing that? Her mum's just passed and she's just doing like, whoa. And that's what I wanted. I wanted to prove that I could do anything and move past that and nothing could pull me down. I still feel that, like, I feel like I'm strong, I can get through a lot, you know, and you never think you can until you can, right. And I think it's a positive thing in a way, but definitely it was a distraction at first, for sure.
Leigh: So when you were saying then about you wanted to be seen as being strong, do you think, is that from within or you want to be seen as being strong from others around you?
Aimee: I think it's both. When I sat in the kitchen and I went through the list of things I was going to achieve, that was for me, in that moment, it was like, you are bigger than this, you can get through this, you can get through anything. Like, you got this, you've been through worse. In my head, I was like, You've been through worse? What am I talking about? But it was almost as if I had been through so much worse already, maybe from a past life or lives that in my feeling, in my heart, in my mind, I was like, you can get through this, you'll be fine. It's happened, now it's about healing and it's all good, you got this. And my level of curiosity again, helped me heal, because I was so curious about how to heal that I searched for teachers and people that could help me on my journey. And that's why I find curiosity so.
Leigh: Important and I can relate to that, because in my own life, I've just got this real burning desire to learn. And I guess curiosity is the same thing, right? If I'm not learning, I'm bored. I just think, as far as we know, we only get one shot at this lifetime and I just want to know a lot of stuff. Right? And I guess that's the same thing, that's curiosity.
Leigh: So how would you say your own journey of discovery and self-development has helped you to overcome the loss of your mum?
Aimee: Yeah, seeing teachers was a distraction after a while. At the beginning, it was very important for the first three, four years, and then I continued and continued and kind of relied on them to guide me through my own healing. When really your feelings are your guide, your emotions are your guide, your heart is your guide. And recently I've understood that because no one has been able to tell me what I've understood recently and how have I understood that. It's through understanding my own emotions, sitting with my feelings, having my partner mirror things to me that I didn't want to see previously. And all of these things have been able to really help me understand the depth of this grief, where they come from, interestingly. My sister and brother-in-law, about three years ago, explained to me a pattern that I have. And it's a dangerous pattern, and it's a pattern that really developed from the loss of my mum and feeling that kind of gaping hole within my heart. And I could not relate it. When they were telling me I could not understand it, I was like, what are you talking about? Like, you guys are creating some crazy **** here. And three days ago, the pattern came back and I acted on the pattern, and my partner was like, do you see the patent? It's back again. You're doing it again, and you're going to destroy your relationships because you're doing it again. And I sat there like, holy ****. This is what they were telling me three years ago. This is what my partner was telling me two years ago. And I've only just got it. Why have I only just decided to accept that truth now? And it was a pattern that was I'll explain the pattern because people might be able to relate in some way, because it's quite common, sadly, and we never want to accept it because this is a proper ego death to accept us. And I think because I'm so ready for that ego death, I don't want this **** anymore. Like, I want to evolve all the time. So that's probably why I've accepted it now, not before. And this is a pattern where when my mum passed away that night, she passed away, we left the room, my sisters and I, and my sisters ran to their partners and I had no one there. So I literally just collapsed on the floor and was crying on my own for, like, ten minutes. And that feeling of loneliness created a trauma in that moment, and I was never really aware of that, but it created a trauma of, well, no one's here for me and everybody's going to leave me. I had experienced lots of people leaving in my childhood as well, so that was just emphasized that everybody's just going to leave me. So whenever I got into a relationship with someone, I immediately felt like they would leave me. So I'd kind of prepare a plan B and I'd have someone there, and it wasn't someone that I was romantically involved with or romantically speaking to, but it was just someone I was keeping it in my radar. And the pattern was very subtle because, again, the conversations were not inappropriate, but I knew deep down what I was doing. I just never wanted to accept it. And people around me very close to me saw it and tried to tell me, and I never wanted to accept that pattern. And recently, the pattern came back after so long, it came back and I didn't even notice until my partner and I had a huge argument three days ago. And he was like, what are you doing? And I sat. There, like and I was defending it. No, it's just the convo. You saw the convo. It's like, nothing. And he's like, Stop lying to yourself. Like, this is crazy. And I sat there and I literally said to him, I was like, Holy ****. And it all clicked, and I was like, oh, my God, I've been lying to myself this whole time. And it was the fear of being left by that person and always having to have someone there as a backup, because the idea of being alone or being left alone was, like, my worst fear that I had never really faced, because in that moment when she died, I was alone for a long time. And then I went into the kitchen. I was alone. And it was a lonely process. And that trauma, if you don't deal with these traumas and you don't become aware of them, they do as you said at the very beginning of the podcast, they'll come and they'll seep into all parts of your life business, relationships, pleasure. It's everywhere. Yeah. I hope that that may help anyone who hears it, who might relate to a pattern like that. That's destructive.
Leigh: Yeah. And these patterns, they're there because your ego is trying to protect yourself from a future pain, right? Because as you said, when you were young, when you were younger than that, there were people that were leaving your life, and then, obviously, the major one of your mum passing, there's so much pain that you want to protect yourself from a future event that's similar to that. So, like you were saying when you were 14, 15, 16, you were preparing for what was coming. And then as an adult, in adult relationships, you get into this relationship and your ego is saying, well, hang on a minute. This person could leave me and I'll be on my own again. I'll be going through that same pain. What's quite interesting is that quite often I've had this discussion with people that I know and clients as well, and they say, oh, I've done this therapy. I'm cured of that now. Right? But actually, what happens is healing is like peeling the layers of an onion, whereas we start with the outer layer and we think, oh, yeah, we're done now, but actually, there's so many more layers to go. And as you were saying, this has happened recently, but obviously what you've now done is, because you recognized it again, you just peeled another layer. Does that mean you're to the core of the onion yet? Maybe not, right? And as we get older through life, we get more opportunity to peel those layers and we get more opportunity to take time out and sit and look and possibly find people that can mirror things back to you, like your partner does with you. And again, I would say what you've just described as well. Again, I think you've been brave because you've been brave enough to say, hang on a minute. Maybe I'm not right. What I'm thinking isn't correct, and maybe what your partner is suggesting to you, maybe that is correct, and you've accepted. Actually, he is correct. And that does require a certain level of bravely, because your ego is saying, no, don't go there, because that creates pain, right?
Aimee: Yeah. And I think it also comes back to me not wanting to sit with those negative emotions. Essentially, my shadow. I've never wanted to sit with my shadow. Like, I've never understood what my shadow was, and I never wanted to sit with it because I'd mask it. The story I was telling myself was, oh, I'm just being friendly, and I'm just being like, what's the problem? Like, unity. We're all one. I'm just caring for people. And this is the story that I would tell myself, not actually realizing what was truly, truly going on and finally understanding the other day, holy ****, this is what they were telling me three years ago. And it didn't make any sense to me. No, but none I thought they were crazy. I was like, you guys are just like, you don't know me. And I was like, wow, I get it. And it comes back to that, not wanting to sit with your shadow. And it's funny because I'm someone who teaches about the importance of sitting with your shadow and accepting it and being in balance between light and dark. And I'm preaching, and I usually practice what I preach, right? But here I realized, wow, I'm not practicing what I'm preaching here, and it's time to practice what I preach and to sit with that shadow, because so much light has come from sitting with this shadow. Even for the past four or five days, so much light has come from it. It's like, wow, you think it's a shadow, but it's actually light again, and then it's shadow again, and then it's light again, and it's just this constant cycle, and you think you're going to sit with the shadow and stay in the shadow, it's going to be darkness forever. You can't sit there, but that's not what happens the minute you go there. There's so much more light than if you didn't.
Leigh: Yeah. There's a great saying that says the first stage of healing is awareness.
Leigh: So as soon as you shine that light on the shadow, well, now you can see, and now you're aware. Now you've got the opportunity to heal. Okay, but where you were initially, when people were saying to you three years ago, and you were like, well, hang on a minute. What are you talking about? That's nonsense. You weren't at that stage where you were ready to hear it. What I see a lot as well is that you can give people the information, but if they're not ready to hear it, they're just not going to hear it. We've seen the last two and a half years, you can provide people with clear evidence, and they just don't believe it. It's like, well, this is the evidence. It's unquestionable. And they say, oh, no, that can't be true, because it's not on the news. Right. Because they're just not ready to hear it. And we're all at different levels of healing. And again, as we get older, we get more opportunity to sit and look. And for some of us, we can get braver to sit in that shadow because it is painful. Right. It's painful to sit in that shadow. But actually, it's like anything. One analogy I often use with people is to say, okay, hold your hands, clasp them together, like so with your thumbs next to each other, right? And then now go the other way. So have your other thumb on the top. And normally it's like, oh, that feels a bit strange. And I say, just keep going backwards and forwards. Just keep clasping your hands in the different positions. Okay. And then eventually, once you do it enough, it actually feels okay the other way. Right. So if we can sit with pain, or to put it another way, if you keep shining light on your shadow, well, actually it becomes less painful. Right. And once we can acknowledge that, once we can accept that that's there, then we can overcome it.
Aimee: Yes, exactly. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt people in the process. In my life, it's hurt people. It's the last thing I want to do. But by not accepting my shadow, I've hurt people. And by lying to myself and creating a story for my ego to feel safe in the moment, I'm hurting people the opposite of who I want to be. The minute I stepped into my shadow, and I accepted the truth, I saw how I was hurting people and something I would never have admitted or accepted before and have now got to a point where I'm, like, very much aware of the pattern. And I feel stronger than ever. I feel braver. I feel confident. I feel like I'm truly, truly getting to know myself, and I'm truly connecting to my true nature. Because the true nature will sit in the shadow and in the light. Your true nature isn't just light just because it sounds like it. It's not just light. It's both. And you have to sit in both.
Leigh: So can you give us an example of perhaps when you have hurt someone else in that situation?
Aimee: Yeah, so my partner, two or three times with this behaviour, with this pattern, but in different ways, and in ways that are so subtle that it's not inappropriate necessarily, but it's the same pattern. And the pattern, he's very, like, psychic. I'm not kidding. He has this intuitive power that I can't explain. He will know immediately if something's wrong. And when I say wrong, no cheating, nothing like that. A message that, again, is not inappropriate, but is intentionally not right from a deep level, he knows. He just knows every time. So he catches me out every time. There's never been a time that it slipped past him and it's the most incredible power he has, it's mind blowing. And he's helped me heal and see my shadow because without him having that, I'd probably still be stuck in it until I ruined my life or my relationship with him. And so the patterns would be like messaging people to maintain a connection or to build a connection to, again, have that plan being this is something that my father did growing up. He was never just with my mum, he always had a plan B, just in case, especially when she was sick, he to prepare himself, would always have someone there because the thought of being alone for him was too much. And my sister was telling me three years ago, you're becoming like him. How dare you? What do you mean? And she was right, totally right. Wow. And they say you become like the person you resent the most. And it's made me explore when she said that, I began the exploration, but now I'm really exploring the resentment I have for him, where it comes from, how to heal it, because we've gone through a lot of healing together, him and I, a lot. But clearly there's a lot. As he said, the onion is just peeling. There's just layers and layers and layers. I would say, to answer your question, keeping these conversations alive with people who in the process, I'm harming them and harming my partner and harming myself by creating this story in this life. So I'm very blessed to be going through this process right now.
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Leigh: Do you feel that one of the things you do because obviously part of your shadows that you think that people might leave you, have you experienced where perhaps in certain situations, because you think someone might leave you and the pain would be too much, that actually you push them away anyway?
Aimee: Yes, and I push them away and I create a barrier between us and distance so that if they do leave, it's all good, but usually I leave first so that I don't have to experience the pain. I've never been left, really. Emotionally, yes, but I've always left first. If I feel something's wrong, barrier is up and I'm out. It's like there's nothing to keep me there. The fear of feeling that pain is way greater than losing the person in my eyes. But with my partner now he's someone that I don't want to lose. He's like my soul mate. He's the last person I want to hurt. He's the person I want to protect. He's the person I want to be good for. And I noticed how much I'm ruining what we have and potentially really going to destroy what we have if this pattern were to continue and get real and get intense and get inappropriate. Because the truth is the conversations continue. And then what? Where does it go? How does it evolve? I never was able to get to that point because he always clocked me, thank God. But maybe that's why I never realized sooner, because I never got to that point. But thank God I didn't have to. And I was able to see my own shadow myself and accept it in the moment this time.
Leigh: Sounds like you've got a real life angel in your life right now, literally.
Aimee: I do. Seriously, I said to him, like, you've brought me to a place of healing that has severe, massive magnitude on my life. Like, it's crazy because no teacher has ever been able to bring me here, but every teacher has obviously brought me closer and closer to this point. It was meant to be this way.
Leigh: Absolutely. So going to change tack a little bit now.
Leigh: So the next question I've got for you is what do you think happens when you die? That's just a tiny question.
Aimee: Yeah, just a tiny question. Nothing big. Quick answer. Well, until I did regression therapy, I just thought we become energy. And I always visualize us when the body dies, this just bool of energy, kind of just kind of like dust, just dissipating right. And becoming part of everything. But then I thought about it and I was like, that doesn't really make sense because if we actually have a soul, then how does that work? Because if the soul is physical, because it's the only thing we could comprehend it being is something physical that we can actually perceive, then we wouldn't just dissipate into bits. And I could go on and on and on with my theory there. However, I then did regression therapy with Dr. Brian Weiss.
Leigh: Didn't I put you on to him?
Aimee: No, my mum did, actually.
Aimee: I read all of his books.
Leigh: Yeah, me too.
Aimee: And I found him just fascinating. Wow. And then she booked us a session to go together, and she died the month before. So I went the month after she passed and had the craziest experience. Obviously, there was like 300 people in the crowd, and he put everybody under hypnosis, and everybody was in tears. Like, what the hell just happened? And when I did that, I then was a bit more confused with my theory, my initial theory, because I regressed back to a life, and I saw my death in that life. And when I died, I remember just floating above my body and looking down at my body and my wife and my son in that life, and then he took us out. So I then thought, right, the theory could still be right. I could have been these particles floating, but I felt more like a physical entity just in another realm. It wasn't the same realm, but I was definitely some kind of physical entity in another realm. So what I believe is, and I again, of course, could be completely off and wrong, and it's just one of many theories I have, but the strongest one, I feel, is that there are many realms of existence and we just move from one to another. I don't believe we die, I believe we leave this realm and we move to another realm. And whether that realm is a decisive realm of what's happening next, or I don't know. But what I do know is that I've been here before, because the intuition I've had as a kid, the understanding of people's emotions, it doesn't make sense. Where does that knowledge come from? At five, six, seven years old, where does that knowledge come from? I believe that we use this playground called Earth to experience life and to experience duality, because I don't necessarily believe in other realms that there is duality, or there might be, but that's very much like the basic of my understanding of my theory, is that there are different realms of existence and we move between them. Why? I'm not sure, but I'd love to know your thoughts as well on this.
Leigh: Yeah, interesting. I think my current belief is similar to yours. I certainly think that this isn't all there is. I was brought up in a very you live, you die. That's it. Right. Atheist household, I would say, even though I went to a Church of England primary school, where we'd sing “Onward Christian Soldier Marching Onto War”, which even as a five year old, I thought was a bit strange.
Leigh: But I think we go through many lives. I mean, like yourself, I've done some past-life regression, which was really interesting. I had a past life regression as a Neanderthal, which was quite interesting. I used to live in mainland Spain, but which is now Ibiza, funnily enough. I love that island. Well, I used to. I haven't been for a long time because I didn't like the last time I went, because it got bit too commercial. But it's got a real special energy, that island. I had another experience where I was a prince and I was in a castle, but I was young and I was on my deathbed and there were loads of people around my bed and I recognized my mum, but not my mum as she is now, but I think she might have been maybe some kind of staff in the castle. So, yeah, they were quite interesting experiences. And that was through Brian Weiss as well.
Aimee: Yeah. Wow.
Leigh: But I think that we are light beings or soul beings, whatever you want to call it, spiritual beings. And like you, I think we're here to have a material experience and that ultimately we are all one. As you said, some people say God, whatever word you want to put on that. I think because of my Atheist/Christian childhood, I don't do well with the word God because it has kind of Christian overtones, which if people are Christian, that's fine by me, but the corporatization of Christianity doesn't make a lot of sense to me. But I think before we come into this life, I do believe that we have soul contracts with people and it's clear that you have one with your mum, it's clear that you have one with your partner. And we're here to deliver on those contracts and we're here to learn specific things that we didn't learn from our previous lives. And if we don't take the action to overcome the things that we were here to do, then in our next lifetime we get challenged with the same challenges. Yeah, but ultimately I think we go through a certain number of lifetimes and once we've learned the lessons that we need to in these physical bodies that we adopt, then eventually we get to the point where we no longer need a physical body and that we do become one with whatever it is that's the greater the creative power, let's call it. So that's my belief, my understanding at the moment, I'm very open to other people having other views and I'm very open to changing my views, but I would say that's my current view.
Aimee: And what do you think about the fact that we only know what we can comprehend? And because for me, when I think about these things, I almost don't want to answer them because I find it to be so much more vast or simple than we even understand, that perhaps there's not even an explanation to be had. And we're trying to understand the unfathomable because there are so many possibilities as to what could happen after death or what the universe really is or why we're here. And I think part of the mission of being here is can you just be here without trying to solve all the problems and mysteries? And perhaps one day we'll have scientific technology advanced enough that we'll be able to answer these questions with proof, right? But for now we don't. And so how the hell can we even try to understand it when we are all having different experiences, whether in real life or in meditation, and we're seeing different things in ayahuasca experiences. How could we even try to answer this? You know what I mean?
Leigh: I think the major problem is that we experience this material worls with our five senses. Our sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing. But we're talking about things that have no relevance to those five senses. So unless you're someone that can go beyond the five senses, and there are some people that can. Right. So, for instance, someone has an experience with plant medicine and then they come around and they say, well, what was it like? You can't put it into words because it's not part of the material world, it's beyond the material world. So how do you explain something that's immaterial in material terms? And when you were saying, will we ever have science that can measure this? I think there's a good chance we never will, because science is in the material world and what you're trying to measure is immaterial. So how do you measure something materially that has no material? Does that make sense?
Aimee: Yeah. Well, it's like finding out what consciousness is. Right, and how can you find out scientifically what consciousness is? And I still think that even though through all the plant medicine journeys I've done, I still feel that it's still my mind having these experiences. It's Aimee having these experiences. Yes. There are moments where Aimee is literally gone. There's no Aimee, there's no one. I'm not even probably in this realm. But it still is my psyche having these experiences, in my in my opinion. And there are certain sensations that I can say are so strong that I believe them to be true, such as having a feeling of unity with this planet in maybe one ayahuasca experience and one mushroom experience I had. I did. The feeling of unity was so strong, it was showing me the certainty that we are all connected. And that is again, can we prove that? No. I mean, yes, we're all connected, but can we prove that feeling? It's very hard to prove feelings right, currently. But if enough people have that same feeling, then it becomes proof in itself without needing technology behind it. So I think if enough people can have one same feeling vision, then that can become and it's not something you're taught, like in religion. Rather, it's a feeling, it's a sensation or a vision that everyone's having together that can then become more of a certainty into what's going on.
Leigh: I mean, what was quite interesting is you mentioned Aimee was having the experience, but Aimee is just the material version of you. Aimee is a label. But who are you, really? Because you're not really Aimee, right?
Leigh: If you listen to someone like Paul Chek, he will say, well, you are a soul, and in this current lifetime, you've got the label Aimee, but Aimee is your ego. Right. But actually, what you are is something much deeper than that. You are your soul having a human experience. Yeah. Right.
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Aimee: So what is the soul, then?
Leigh: So my understanding is, let's say again, I'm going to kind of use a bit of a pool check analogy, but in the training that we do, the Chek Institute, the pool uses a picture of a street and it's got street lamps, right, of the street lamps are powered by electricity. And let's say the electricity is the force. Right? Well, each of those lamp posts has its own soul. So, for instance, whilst we're all connected to the creative power, what people would label as lee is being powered by the same thing that's powering. Aimee right. But if you like, for one of a better phrase, we've got our own light bulbs. Does that make sense? And then again, my understanding is that our soul goes through different bodies over time, but then again, at the same time, time is an illusion. Everything's happening at the same time. We just think it's happening different time over a different time. And if you've ever experienced vertical time, you know what I mean.
Aimee: So what do you think a soul is, though?
Leigh: Another way of saying it's individuated spirit.
Leigh: Right. Does that make sense? Because I think the same soul has like you saying you had past life experiences, it was the same soul, but you was in a different body. So let's put it another way. You've got the creative force. Imagine the creative force is an octopus. The octopus has got eight tentacles. Think of the tentacles as different souls, but it's part of the same thing. Does that make sense? That's kind of my understanding, yes.
Aimee: That's really what I've been told, explained multiple times, and it's what makes sense to my mind. I just have a feeling that it's so much more vast. Could be, and we can even understand.
Leigh: When you said earlier, when you've done plant medicines and you felt connection to the whole planet, I was going to say to you, is it just the planet or is it more than just the planet that you feel connection to?
Aimee: Yeah, I mean, what's obvious is that images of the Earth and people come to me, but it's a unity with everything. That sensation really changed a lot for me. It brought me into the understanding and a deeper connection with everything around me. And since then, my connection with nature and people have completely expanded because I'm in a park and I notice a leaf in a way that I would never have noticed that leaf before, and I noticed the subtle things around me. And that's what makes life so beautiful. When you can be in awe of life and of what's around you, it makes it so beautiful.
Leigh: Yeah. So just coming back to kind of where I was heading before we got into this discussion, in terms of what you believe happens after you. Die. Have you had any experiences of your mother since she passed?
Aimee: Yes, many. Well, the night she died, I think it was a couple of days later, I was lying in bed, and I had a very vivid dream. And her and I were lying on a pavement together, but it was, like, beautiful. It was white everywhere. And it was like we were on a pavement of a street, but no one was there. It was just white and beautiful. And we were lying there and she was touching my face, stroking my face. And she was like, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. And I was fully there with her. Wherever she was, I went. And it was once that I experienced that level. I could feel her touch. When I woke up, I was in tears because I had literally just visited her. It was like, crazy. And other than that, the dreams I really remember are more recent ones that I have maybe every month or two months. And this is very relevant to everything we've spoken about in my dreams. And my sister has a very similar dream to me every month or two months as well. She's usually sick in my dreams, or she's very far. Either way, I'm unable to get to her. If she's sick, she usually she's sick in her bed where she passed and she just doesn't want to see me. Like, I go into her room, she's like, **** off. Get out of here. What are you doing here? Looking at me like, get out. The feeling is horrific, right? And the other dreams are that she's left me and she's so far, and she won't answer the phone. But I know that she's sick and depressed, and I know she's somewhere around the world, but she won't answer. And I go on this quest to try and find her, and I get close, but not close enough to find her. And then she answers the phone after like, ten years in my dream, or five years, she answers the phone and it's like no longer her. She's, like, depressed and she's gone, and she doesn't want to talk to me. And those have been recurring, recurring, recurring, recurring dreams. Every month, two months, I have this dream, and it's horrific. I wake up like, oh, my God, what the hell? Horrible. And my partner thinks that that's because I'm not fully letting her go. She's stuck between here and the spirit realm. And I'm not fully letting her go because she loves me so much that she's staying, because I'm calling her so much and I need her so much that she's not letting go and she's not going. And I was looking at him like, wow, you may be right. Because in my last dream a couple of weeks ago, she was just standing there very close to me, not smiling. And I walked up to her and I was like, mom, like, oh, my God. Hey, I haven't seen you in ages. She's just, like, looking at me like this, almost exhausted, like ****** off, just like, leave me alone, kind of like that. And when my partner said what he thinks about it, I found that very interesting. I was like, wow, that's very interesting. And he was like, you need to let her go. You really need to let her go. She's stuck. She keeps coming through. In your dreams because she's stuck. You need to let her go. And funnily enough, the sister who has the same dream as me is the sister that I am very deeply emotionally connected with in terms of whenever I talk about my mom, I talk to her about it. So I feel like she's almost feeling what I'm feeling, and it's almost like a message to me to really let her go.
Leigh: Interesting. I mean, there's a similar story. I obviously had this story second hand, and I might not get it spot on, but I know the overall view of the story. And it was on a check course some years ago. And Paul Czech was teaching the class. And one of the tests we do when we're assessing people's physical bodies, we get them to stand on two sets of weighing scales, and we look to see how balanced they are. Now, this guy was quite off putting a lot more weight through one leg than the other leg. And Paul started doing just testing his reflexology points on his feet. At one point, Paul stopped, and he said to the guy he was working on, he said, who do you know that's died recently? I don't know anyone that's died recently, okay? Sometimes I get things wrong. Don't worry. Carries on working on his foot, and he stops and he says, Someone has died recently. Who's died recently? He's like, I don't know anyone that's died. Paul's like, okay, Carrie is on working on his foot. Then Paul stops and says, who's died recently? And then the guy says, oh, my God. My best friend died a couple of weeks ago. Right? Obviously, the trauma was so much, he couldn't even think of it. So anyway, so Paul starts treating his foot, and this guy just falls to pieces, starts crying his eyes out. Feels very embarrassed in front of his classmates because he's crying. So anyway, Paul said, look what you need to do. Cross the road. Do you see that big tree there? He said, I want you to go and hug the tree. Now, this guy was kind of very left brain kind of guy. And he's thinking, what's going on here? This is weird. But he later said that he went over to the tree and he hugged the tree, and he said his eyes were closed. But he said his best friend appeared in the branches of the tree. And he said, Listen, I just want you to know I'm absolutely fine. Where I am. In fact, I'm great, but you need to let me go. So anyway, the guy carries on hugging the tree for a while, walks back into the classroom and Paul says, right now, let's stand you back on the scales. And he's still in the scales and he was bang level. So the grief that he was holding in his system was actually deeply affecting his physical body.
Aimee: Yeah, absolutely.
Leigh: So it's quite interesting. I had a strange experience when my nan died, actually. So my nan died in 1998 and at the time, I had a TV, I probably had cable TV, a VHS and a DVD player. Back in those days, that's kind of how things were. And I remember the week after she passed, I'd be sitting there and either the TV wouldn't be on and it would switch on and I'd think, oh, maybe I've sat on the remote, but I was nowhere near the remote, right? And then it would switch off and it would switch on and switch off and I'd be like, Whoa, what's going on? Or I'll be watching the TV and the VHS would switch on. I think maybe I'm sat on the remote control and like, oh, they're over there. I was nowhere near them. But basically what was happening was that these electrical devices were switching on and off and I wasn't anywhere near them. And I have heard that sometimes what happens is when people pass is they try to leave signals to say, I'm okay, don't worry about me. And I've heard other people have similar experiences to that and it's quite interesting, I suppose. My grandmother was quite old when she died, and I've been about 30, so I guess it's not as traumatic when someone's older when they pass. It was actually much worse for me when my mom's dog died a few months ago. I had a really close bond with the dog and I actually found that much more difficult than when family members have died because the dog was only five. I can imagine that when people lose people that are close to them when they're young, I would imagine it's a lot harder to deal with a when you're older and also when the person that passes is older. I guess it's kind of expected.
Leigh: So what would your advice to be to anyone that's lost a loved one, especially if they lose a parent at a young age?
Aimee: All right, I would say definitely focus on your healing process. Seek help if need be, and don't run away from it. Don't run away from the pain because it will develop into other problems, other shadows that will come out later, like I've explained mine. And you really don't want these to come out. You don't want these to develop because they can really destroy your relationships, your life. So really focus on your healing process and accept what's happened. That's a really important thing, accept what's happened and focus on the journey.
Leigh: And it's interesting as well. A lot of the people in my family that passed away, most of them died from cancer. And again, I've spoken about this in previous podcasts and episode three actually talk about the root cause of cancer. And one of the things that's quite interesting is that when people are bereaved and they're going through grief, that the lungs are the organ of grief. And quite often people can turn to things like smoking cigarettes and vaping and things like that as a way of trying to heal the pain in their lungs. So that's just one example. If you don't deal with grief, that can be a very negative way of trying to try and deal with it. It's almost self medication.
Aimee: Yeah, it's interesting for sure, and it helps in the body in many ways.
Leigh: And is there any advice you'd give to the 17-year-old Aimee, looking back.
Aimee: To not be so hard on yourself and allow yourself to feel the emotions fully and not run away from them?
Leigh: Great stuff. Great stuff. So what's next for Aimee?
Aimee: Well, at the moment I am working with my business, the Rise Room. I help women optimize their physical, nutritional and spiritual wellbeing through one-to-one sessions in personal training, aesthetic sculpting, naturopathic, nutrition, meditation and breath work sessions. And we're currently starting to do events that merge all of those three things in one with sound healing. So it's really powerful and that's what's going on at the moment. So please stay tuned, everybody.
Leigh: Sounds fantastic. With everything that's going on in the world with men saying that they're now women, I might volunteer to come along as a woman so I can get some help. That's a little joke. Just to let everyone know, you've kindly offered to give the Radical Health Rebel audience a 50% discount off their first meditation and breath work session with you. Where do they need to go to access this session?
Aimee: So I'm based in Queens Park, but they can contact me through Instagram@Aimeebuchler.com. Sorry, that's my website. They can access me through Instagram @Aimeebuhler or at the Rise Room, and my website is www.theriseram.com and that's where they can contact me.
Leigh: Fantastic. So, Aimee, I just want to thank you so much. That was a great little interview we had there. Hopefully there's some people out there that they're going to really gain some important little nuggets of information that can help them if they've suffered a bereavement.
Leigh: So to all the listeners and viewers, if you know anyone who would benefit from hearing this episode, please do forward it onto them. The whole purpose of this podcast is to help people, so do feel free to share the love. Well, that's all from us this week, but don't forget, you can join me same time, same place next week on the Radical Health Rebel podcast.
Thanks for tuning in to the radical Health Rebel podcast with Leigh Brandon. You can find Leigh at www. Bodycheck.co.uk. Please hit the like button and share on your social media and with someone you feel will benefit from watching this episode. So together, we can help them lead a healthier, more productive, fulfilling and happy life.